Barak Obama: The Crimea referendum is a violation of international law.
Putin: But I have consulted your boss Bibi Netanyahu. He said that whatever I do is okay so long as I claim the right of self-defence.
David Cameron: The Crimea referendum is illegal, illegitimate and will not be recognised by the international community.
Putin: Speaking of illegitimate, why don’t you send Tony Blair as your diplomatic envoy to Ukraine? But get ready for the missiles to fly, before he publishes another memoir.
Angela Merkel: Vladimir, you’re out of touch with reality.
Putin: You mean the reality you wanted to impose on Ukraine as you did on Ireland, Greece, Cyprus, Portugal, Spain..?
Francois Hollande: Crimea joining Russia would amount to unacceptable annexation.
Putin: Why don’t you stay out of politics mon ami and offer me a straight girlfriend swap: Julie Gayet for Alina Kabayeva..? You might find that acceptable.
Putin again: You four cry-babies make me sick, for decades you’ve been exporting your democracy to Vietnam, Cambodia, Korea, South America, Yugoslavia, Iraq, Libya, Syria, and in your wake you have left nations divided, millions dead, and millions more homeless. And now you want to do the same to my front yard, and threaten me with sanction..? Go ahead and seize the assets of the Russian Oligarchs living in your countries. I’ll gobble-up the Russian branches of McDonald’s, Burger King, Costa Cafe, Starbuck’s, Coca Cola, Pepsi Cola... Ooh, Medvedev, pass me that empty KFC bucket, I want to throw up...